:: Captain's Personal Blog ::

Stardate: Monday, April 29, 2002

Today's Excite Fortune:
"You're smarter than you think."
:: J 11:36 AM [+] ::
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How far have I come?

You know, it's been more than four weeks since my ex-girlfriend pulled her little April Fool's Joke. I have not spoken to her (for any length of time) since. Is this wise?

Man, can I hold a grudge. Am I justified? Am I doing the right thing? Not really, I suppose. I mean my reaction is one of pure emotion rather than rational thinking. Although, I did rationalize that this would be the time to do it. The fact of the matter is that I am not sure whether or not she sees this for what it really is. She may actually already know why I am behaving the way I am. She may not even believe that anything is wrong. That would probably burn me up more than anything because it means that nothing will have been learned by the end of this, unless I get into a screaming match with her. I've done that before. I guess I'm up for one more.

I have to fight for this. It's a necessity. My friend Andy says that I should just let this go and let her go as well. I can't. She means a lot to me. She holds a rather significant part of me and I can't just let it go. There is still a strong possibility that I won't find anyone else who can understand me like she can. Most of the people that I have come to know have been pretty successful at not judging me or looking too far down at me.

I just don't know if that's enough. The fact of the matter is that I am never going to get back together with her. We were a close fit, but not quite right. If I am going to elect to spend the rest of my life with someone it had better be as close to perfect as is possible. What does that mean?

1) Someone who doesn't have to spend every moment of every day doing something with me.
2) Someone who understands and accepts who I am and what I like to do.
3) Someone who is willing to go along with me for the ride.
4) Someone who is secure enough in who they are.
5) Someone who likes things that I like (it doesn't have to be all of it, but if not there should at least be an acceptance)
6) Someone who I can talk to.
7) Someone who cares.
8) Someone who won't try to change me.
9) Someone who trusts me and who I can trust.
10) Someone who does not NEED to be physical in order to prove their devotion (and who will not ask the same)
11) Someone honest.

That's a pretty long and almost unrealistic list. I suppose I set my sights up too high, but this is my heart that we are talking about here. I can't just give it to just any one. I can't spend the rest of my life being unhappy because I can't get my heart back. It's important. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up because a few of the things on that list weren't met. She was not secure in who she was (although, she was when I met her,) she wasn't honest (not in a BIG way, but enough that it mattered,) she needed physicality in order for me to prove that I loved her, and therefore she didn't trust me.

Maybe I should set my sights on something more realistic. Like winning the lottery.
:: J 11:33 AM [+] ::
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I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. So says this website here.

*sigh* Why is it that I saw this one coming. Besides, it also says that if I weren't bread, I would be vanilla. I HATE VANILLA. This does sound rather complimentary, though....So I guess it's okay. *sigh*
:: J 8:23 AM [+] ::
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Images of my phone from HANDSPRING website
:: J 9:37 AM [+] ::
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:: J 9:33 AM [+] ::
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Catching up and other such nonsense:

Well, it's been awhile and I feel like I've been neglecting a good friend, so here is the update on what's been happening in my little slice of world....

Melanie (my ex-girlfriend) still hasn't gotten a response from me concerning her April Fool's Gag. I have a great sense of humor, and take gags in stride, always, but this is just something that needs to be worked through at some point.

I got a new phone. I don't know if I mentioned this, but if I didn't, I got the new HANDSPRING TREO 180 COMMUNICATOR and it is absolutely fantastic! I love it dearly with it's PDA, Phone, internet/e-mail skills, chatting and messages and other such nonsense. The only thing is that I've had it for almost a month and the stylus already broke! I mean geez. All I did was drop it and the end snapped off. That's what I call shoddy worksmanship. Then again, if it's the only thing that goes wrong, I will be quite pleased.

I got a new CD burner for my laptop, after my old one got Alzheimer's. I mean that. My USB CD burner forgot what it was, and was listed only as UNKNOWN USB DEVICE. As that all my other USB stuff worked, I knew it was a problem with the CD Burner. So, I bought one direct from DELL (makers of my laptop) which is swappable in my media bay with my DVD ROM. It's a helluvan inconvenience, but what else can I do? Actually, I have an answer to that. I'll just eventually buy a PCMCIA USB 2.0 upgrade for my computer and get a speedy external one. YAY! (At least YAY for when that happens.)

Past that, the weeks have been quite fulfilling at work. I had a stellar review, which was nice. I love that. I just have a very positive outlook right now (helped even more so by the lovely weather we are having right now.) I can't wait for the summer. I love the warmth......*sigh*
:: J 9:24 AM [+] ::
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Would you believe that after all that happened yesterday, it was an April Fool's Gag? My Ex-Girlfriend said everything she did as a gag. Heh heh heh................................... I'm sorry, but that's not right. If you're going to do a gag that involves the core of your friendship, you do NOT do it over e-mail where there is no such thing as sarcasm. In my own defense, it all came about in a volley of e-mails.

In my first e-mail response, I laughed a lot (typed "Ha ha ha" a lot.) The response I got was a very serious one, which I shrugged off by saying "Fair Enough." Her response seemed an angry one which demanded that I defend myself. At this point, I was reluctant to go on with the game, so I opened both barrells and let her have it. As if the whole thing were real. I figured if I was wrong and it WAS real, so much the better. If not, lesson learned.

Unfortunately for her, she does not realize that I knew the truth. After I unleashed, I got a response which read "Do you know what day it is?"

My response was "I certainly do." She didn't get that I knew it. So she thought I fell for it. Now she gets the silent treatment. A lesson not to try to mess with emotions like that. It's the sort of prank which is allowed, but only in person. You need to be able to read someone for something like that. If not, don't steep your prank in such an emotionally charged subject.

Cruel? Maybe. But I think that turnabout IS fairplay.
:: J 10:06 AM [+] ::
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Today's Excite Quote of the Day:
"Some day, in years to come, you will be wrestling with the great temptation, or trembling under the great sorrow of your life. But the real struggle is here, now, in these quiet weeks. Now it is being decided whether, in the day of your supreme sorrow or temptation, you shall miserably fail or gloriously conquer. Character cannot be made except by a steady, long continued process."
- Phillips Brooks
:: J 8:09 AM [+] ::
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Men, according to my ex-girlfriend:
"You all like to fight for what you don't have to obtain it, then like a child with an old toy, put the object aside until needed or wanted, just to have as conveniently. Only when someone else plays with your toy does it hold importance to you again."

Sheesh. As an avid toy player, I actually have to say that the fact of the matter is that I back away from the toys that I like so as to NOT get sick of them.

Also, I keep thinking of the song "A Secretary Is Not A Toy" from How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. Not that I think of girlfriends as secretaries. Far from it. However, the basic precept is that women are not toys. They are living, thinking beings. They deserve respect. As they should not be downplayed, however, men should not be put on pedestals. The corollary is this: Men expect way too little of their women, and women expect way too much of their men. Men expect women to be around only when they want them to be and women expect men to be around always.

Remember, however, that there are exceptions to every situation, including this one. My personal feeling about a girlfriend (which I have been very public about) is that they have to give me space. When I say something, I mean it. Always. I therefore see no need to constantly have to prove myself. If I say "I love you," I mean it. It's not a phrase to be used capriciously.

Same things with physicality. Being human, I occasionally have urges. However, I do not wish to compromise the integrity of any female that I know. Therefore I will try to stay away from serious physical relations unless I know exactly where we stand. I would hate to find myself either waking up the next day and finding myself in an unwanted relationship as equally as I would hate to wake up and find myself a one night stand. These things are important to me. As important as finding the right person.

And while I put a great deal of stock in finding the right person, I am in no rush. Maybe it's because I still live at home. I haven't had that personal privacy that makes someone search out someone else. That's probably why I want my solitude so much and why I enjoy it. I guess with that in mind, it's a miracle I have any friends at all.

To come full circle, she knew all of that about me from the beginning. Like I said, I am an open book. You have but to read. AND TO ASK. I spew enough information on my own. Just because I stop doesn't mean there isn't more. I'm just tired of doing all the talking. People may find this hard to believe, but I don't spend much time talking about myself. Even when I talk to my friends, I am telling them about the other people I know.

I don't know why I don't talk about myself. Then again, there is my blog......
:: J 9:57 AM [+] ::
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