:: Captain's Personal Blog ::

Stardate: Monday, April 29, 2002

How far have I come?

You know, it's been more than four weeks since my ex-girlfriend pulled her little April Fool's Joke. I have not spoken to her (for any length of time) since. Is this wise?

Man, can I hold a grudge. Am I justified? Am I doing the right thing? Not really, I suppose. I mean my reaction is one of pure emotion rather than rational thinking. Although, I did rationalize that this would be the time to do it. The fact of the matter is that I am not sure whether or not she sees this for what it really is. She may actually already know why I am behaving the way I am. She may not even believe that anything is wrong. That would probably burn me up more than anything because it means that nothing will have been learned by the end of this, unless I get into a screaming match with her. I've done that before. I guess I'm up for one more.

I have to fight for this. It's a necessity. My friend Andy says that I should just let this go and let her go as well. I can't. She means a lot to me. She holds a rather significant part of me and I can't just let it go. There is still a strong possibility that I won't find anyone else who can understand me like she can. Most of the people that I have come to know have been pretty successful at not judging me or looking too far down at me.

I just don't know if that's enough. The fact of the matter is that I am never going to get back together with her. We were a close fit, but not quite right. If I am going to elect to spend the rest of my life with someone it had better be as close to perfect as is possible. What does that mean?

1) Someone who doesn't have to spend every moment of every day doing something with me.
2) Someone who understands and accepts who I am and what I like to do.
3) Someone who is willing to go along with me for the ride.
4) Someone who is secure enough in who they are.
5) Someone who likes things that I like (it doesn't have to be all of it, but if not there should at least be an acceptance)
6) Someone who I can talk to.
7) Someone who cares.
8) Someone who won't try to change me.
9) Someone who trusts me and who I can trust.
10) Someone who does not NEED to be physical in order to prove their devotion (and who will not ask the same)
11) Someone honest.

That's a pretty long and almost unrealistic list. I suppose I set my sights up too high, but this is my heart that we are talking about here. I can't just give it to just any one. I can't spend the rest of my life being unhappy because I can't get my heart back. It's important. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up because a few of the things on that list weren't met. She was not secure in who she was (although, she was when I met her,) she wasn't honest (not in a BIG way, but enough that it mattered,) she needed physicality in order for me to prove that I loved her, and therefore she didn't trust me.

Maybe I should set my sights on something more realistic. Like winning the lottery.
:: J 11:33 AM [+] ::
...