:: Captain's Personal Blog ::

Stardate: Friday, November 12, 2004

Soul Searching Ahead

I have never spent as much time in the past as I have recently thinking about my elligibility for dating material. I swear to God, it's like the circumstances have just been presenting themselves recently as if there were no tomorrow.

A few weeks ago, I attended a wedding. It was a wonderful affair which again, mercifully, also gave me a small group of people that I knew to hang out with. There was a girl who was there, a very nice, sweet, wonderful girl who is full of pep. I know her. We are friends. We don't hang out much, but we do talk a lot. I deliberately went stag to this event, because I am aware of my overall unsuitability as a dating candidate. The problem with knowing this s that you know that you are going to disappoint whoever you wind up going with, whethe they know that about you or not. It is inevitable. Well, half way through this gala event, I think I may have given off the "date vibe" or something. The next thing I know, she's trying to get me to open up, and "have more fun." Now, I was having fun, no question. I just didn't care to indulge in some of the things that people do, such as dancing. Well, as dates are known to do, she tried to get me to dance and loosen up. I didn't want to, and bowed out. Up to this point, you could say that I am being egotistical thinking that she thought we might be on a date or something, but the fact that she chose to bow out as well (against her desire to dance and 'have fun') was a bit of a clue. Had we not been 'together' I'm sure she would have gone out and had all the fun that she truly wanted to have.

Over the course of the following weeks, we've had one "mini-date" which I kinda thought wasn't, but was getting the impression was afterwards, and we've spent a lot of time talking. She is an incredibly wonderful person, but I would like to leave it at that. I would hate to have all the emotional baggage that I have come in and totally destroy what is a very NICE budding friendship. Alas, this has been the running preoccupation of my mind for the past few weeks.
Now, today, another moment has reared its head. The worst part about this situation is that it, too, is borne out of people who are just being nice to me. As it turns out, today a few people decided that they wanted to set me up with a girl. On the surface, the question is "SO WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT?!?! Like you ever get a chance to meet girls anyway?" This was probably one of the sweetest things that someone(s) have done for me in quite awhile. At first, I actually entertained the idea of actually going ahead with this and seeing where it went. I mean, she was here, and she was sitting right next to me. It's not like I had to be a particular go-getter to at least start a conversation.

And so, I did. And after the first few moments, I had that feeling. You know which one I'm talking about. The one that says, 'not for me.' And so, we did a little bit of talking, and that was it.

When asked by the outside parties what was happening and why I wasn't trying, I politely thanked, and had to explain that this just wasn't going to work. It touched me deeply that they even tried. They were so disappointed that nothing happened.

But more importantly, I'm right back where I started......alone.

To qualify, I have a great group of friends. Near and far. But the solitude that I refer to is with regard to companionship.

I'm reminded once again of The Beatles' "THAT MEANS A LOT." To quote Paul McCartney:

"A touch can mean so much, when it's all you've got. But when she says she loves you, that means a lot."

This was my anthem in College. Back when I had a girlfriend, this was my justification for how much I loved her. The fact of the matter is, the most important thing that I miss about having a girlfriend is the meaningful hugs. The ones that comfort when you feel bad, or can just inject you with the sense of wellbeing. Sometimes, I feel it more than others, but I do miss it.

Despite all that, I know why I don't pursue this. I have my reasons. And to me, that's enough. One day, I will find someone. My strongest virtue has always been patience. And the greatest proof of that, is the fact that I am still alone..............

:: J 5:40 PM [+] ::
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