:: Captain's Personal Blog ::

Stardate: Monday, August 05, 2002

Wow. What a quandry. After spending the evening on Friday brooding over someone who I desperately wanted to know about, I finally did something about it today, and was hit with some very interesting news. There is this girl....probably the closest person that I could possibly have a link with, someone who knows all the embarassing secrets of youth, and we lost touch many years ago. Once, in college, she was a voice on the phone, a person who responded to my occasional e-mail. Then she disappered for what seemed like "for-good."

Finally, I spent the earlier part of today trying to track her down. First I tracked her to Boise, Idaho. Then to Austin, Texas, which seemed like such a perfect choice to me. Finally, to South Korea (which sort of hit me out of the blue.) Aside from the fact that they're 12 hours ahead, which would make verbal contact difficult, I am not entirely convinced that I have the right to ask to reinsert myself into her life. This would be the second time that I have used the vast resources of the internet to track this person down. And what if she doesn't want to be found. I have no right to force myself on anyone. Even if it's REALLY NOT forcing. I could very well represent a part of her life that would rather be left in the dark.

All this is assuming that I have found the right person. The only picture I was able to find was low quality enough to make me unsure. All I do know is that I miss her from time to time. Even though we spent the last few years together with her maturing infinitely faster than I.....I don't know. She seemed not to like me in our twilight years. I was a bit immature at the time.

She was, however, the unapproachable standard for which I looked at all girls. She was smart, funny and beautiful. She treated people well. She came to my camp for a few summers. She eventually stopped coming. I suppose I was upset by that because it was like severing another link with her. She wanted so little to do with me at that point, although I took solace in the fact that I would get a chance to see her. Just to see her made my days better. And this was back before I even REALLY KNEW what a girlfriend would be, or that I even wanted one.

We never really went out, which I suppose is just as well. I was never her type. She was the smart one, which might have been upsetting since I got such high marks from her dad. She was also able to temper her vast intelligence (did I mention she skipped a grade) with her ability to actually be cool. She was everything that I wasn't. She was skilled, social, musical, cool, attractive (I know that some of those are synonymous, but so what?)

I still keep a picture of her in my room (albeit an old one - those are the only ones I have anymore) because she still signifies a large part of my early life. She's the only representative of that part of my life that I didn't give up. The only one that I didn't WANT to lose. The rest of them didn't matter. And that's the real trouble, isn't it.

By all accounts, we drifted apart. And because she left me behind maturity wise, she had no more use for me. (not that she ever had any use.) She certainly wanted to hang out MUCH less than I did. Other friends of mine would lecture me and treat me badly, and I just ultimately wanted to be left alone. She treated me "badly" (in quotes because it wasn't malicious, just growing apart) and yet I still want her in my life.

Let me qualify here. I don't want her as a girlfriend/prospective wife. I certainly don't know her well enough for that, let alone she doesn't know me anymore (actually that isn't REALLY true. I really haven't changed that much.) I just still feel a connection to her. I just want to know what kind of person she is and what she's been up to. If she's really been travelling to all these places, she must have all kinds of experiences to share. I would love to sit for hours and hear them. What are her interests? I think I would do just about anything to know. Anything, that is, except for take a chance and trying to e-mail her........

So much for maturity.
:: J 2:12 PM [+] ::
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