:: Captain's Personal Blog ::

Stardate: Monday, June 10, 2002

A Word About Human Emotionalism:

You know, right now I am in a bit of a familial pickle at home. The big "D" word has been mentioned. That's right. It was thrown down like a gauntlet. Divorce.

The funny thing is that in the long run, I really don't mind one way or the other. My parents really haven't been having what would be called the ideal homelife in ages. Lately, I think that our financial situation as well as certain broader familial obligations have led to our decline as a family. The fact of the matter is that I really just want everyone to be happy. The separation of my parents really can't affect me in the long run because I am at the age where I should be moving out soon. When that eventually happens, whether I visit or call, it would be akin to whoever not being home at the time.

With all of that in mind, the question is "Why am I in a pickle then, if this does not really affect me?" The answer is that it really doesn't affect me directly, it affects me peripherally.

Follow:

My father may get even more depressed by this turn of events, which brings his mood (understandably so) down. As he is fond of pointing out, that sort of environment can rub off on all around, i.e. me. My mother feels as though everyone is out to get her, and therefore comes to me for advice, which I can not provide. This really isn't something that I can give good advice about. There is probably so much information that I don't know, and it would hard to sound objective. Whoever I would think was wrong would think that I was just taking sides. Believe me, my family (or certain members thereof) can be THAT paranoid.

To wit; Friday night my mother had to pick me up at the train station as that my car was temporarily out of commission. She picks me up and for the most part we have an amicable ride. Six blocks from our house, she goes into hysterics, crying about all that is happening. As I have grown accustomed to remaining neutral, I stay quiet and listen. I don't comment, because that would serve no useful purpose.

Anyway, we get to the house where she continues to cry and tell me how proud she is of me. A tearful moment and heartfelt to be sure. Only something very strange happens. All of a sudden, she stops crying and everything is normal, as we are about to enter the house. I mean EVERYTHING! I don't know anyone who can downshift that quickly from being in hysterics.

I know that when I am crying (legitimately) it is almost impossible to just stop. I can slow it down and calm myself down, but it is NEVER like a lightswitch. I don't know anyone who can do it unless they really weren't crying in the first place. Everyone knows that when someone is crying, it does no good to just say "Stop Crying" because it doesn't work that way. There are two ways to stop someone from crying. 1) Make them feel better, or 2) Let it die out. This was neither. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that upon realizing that the tears were not making me cry or sympathize, she just stopped. I don't want to think that way, but believe me when I say that my CON-o-meter was in full swing.

I have tried all of my life to be practical about the emotional points in my life. For the most part, it works. Girlfriends, friendships, family, all of it. Granted, from the perspective of those who share my life, it isn't all that great, but I can't let that get to me. I can't possibly stand the thought of letting all of my decisions be made without forethought. Life is too short to risk screwing it up because I didn't bother to think things through. Hell, if I was truly impulsive, I would probably have married my first girlfriend (we dated for 2.5 years) and would probably be miserable. LET ME STRESS: the miserable part would not have been her fault, it would have been mine. The thing that would have made me the most miserable would have been getting married before I was ready. If I was married right now, I would have no money and I would probably (knowing my luck) have kids. Of course I think I want to have kids SOME DAY, but the point would be that I would not have been ready.

I suppose I wasted the impulsive part of my life by being practical even in my adolesence. Do I regret that? No. I can't regret something that I don't know. And THAT is what I regret. Not knowing.

Confusing? Welcome to my psyche. Try this on for size: I act like a kid. I never want to grow up. And yet.....I refuse to be fully impulsive, and sometimes I am the oldest person I know. Go figure.......

OK. So that was more than just a word, and I strayed a bit from the subject of HUMAN emotionalism. As a friend of mine once pointed out, titling these things can be a bit difficult.
:: J 8:50 AM [+] ::
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