:: Captain's Personal Blog ::

Stardate: Tuesday, March 05, 2002

You know, I've come to a reaffirmed conclusion. I am not dating material. At least not now. Instead, I am probably a heartbreaker (in a very slight way.)

Let me explain before people believe that I am an egomaniac. I think I'm a little bit of a heartbreaker for that .00000000002% of the population that would want to go out with me. I suppose that I am emotionally unavailable for the most part--or is it physically unavailable. My problem of late, which I have been having with my friends, is that I have been so stressed out that I haven't really had time to get together with any of them.

This would be a million times harder on anyone who felt *that* way about me. It's a problem which I suppose I will one day have to deal with or else suffer being alone for the rest of my life. Right now, and this sounds trite, I just don't have the time or energy to fix that. As soon as I move out of my parent's house, get an apartment of my own, I might be in a good enough place to be able to change my ways.

I have always enjoyed my solitude. It's a time to recharge and re-energize. I mean, I don't put up a front for my friends, they get the real me. In my later years, I have found myself growing as a social person and I have grown a mild ability to deal with groups of people. It's a slow process for a former introvert. I'm trying.

For anyone out there that still calls themself or considers themselves my friend, I always extend (at least in my mind) heartfelt thanks for putting up with my terrible idiosyncracies and my occasional unavailability. While I am at home I also have close family ties that occasionally prevent me from doing things as well. My view is that in the future I will be presented with more than ample opportunities to snub my family and do things without them. I had best make the most of this time now. My immediate family is very close to me and I love them all.

I love having friends. I really do. They are cherished people to me. Unfortunately, now, I think I am a better friend than I am a date/boyfriend. *sigh* That's enough free association ranting for now. It may not be the complete thought, but it's a start. This blog is a tremendous help for me in that I can get these thoughts out. *sigh* again.
:: J 12:41 PM [+] ::
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