:: Captain's Personal Blog ::

Stardate: Monday, March 25, 2002

Now I've got a issue that I need to address:

Why do people think that the music from SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE and STAR WARS sound alike? In fact, they really don't. Nothing against the "holy trilogy," but John Williams' score for SUPERMAN is a much more sweeping, grander one than that of STAR WARS. Let me clarify one point, however. THEY ARE BOTH SWEEPING AND GRAND SCORES.

SUPERMAN, however, has a much more epic quality to it. Both are complimented by Williams' assigning themes to poignant characters and events. SUPERMAN has many such themes: SUPERMAN's THEME, THE PLANET KRYPTON THEME, CAN YOU READ MY MIND (Lois' theme,) THE VILLAIN'S MARCH (Luthor's theme.) STAR WARS also has a bunch, but it really didn't find those good legs until EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Both themes have a unique quality among movie scores. Both themes, if you listen carefully, have their names syllabically in the refrain. If you listen carefully, as the music swells, you can hear the music say "SU-PER-MAN." This follows in a long tradition of SUPERMAN themes to do this.

Bill Murray, in the classic SNL sketch, as a longue singer, demonstrated how STAR WARS can clearly fit into it's theme.

SUPERMAN is a 3 syllable word, while STAR WARS has only two. This should be enough to differentiate them. Overall, they are constructed differently and should sound differently enough to anyone paying attention, not to get the two of them confused.

Perhaps they are recognizing John Williams' style. This is something which is easy to hear. Listen to any one of the dozens of films that he is scored, and you can hear his energy and enthusiasm--THE INDIANA JONES MOVIES, THE STAR WARS MOVIES, SUPERMAN, HARRY POTTER, HOME ALONE, JAWS, etc.. (well, maybe not Phantom Menace, which was a little too plodding for my tastes.)

John Williams is in the highest echelon of modern film composers, which in my opinion, places him on the highest list of modern day composers, period. I have said for a long time that film scores are the modern equivalent to classical music. How could they not be? Many of them have left an indelible impression on our consciousness. John Williams in particular. THE RAIDERS MARCH is an easy mark. As is the theme to JAWS. These scores immediately evoke imagery and flights of fancy.

Back to the point, I have been a great admirer of film scores, and his in particular. To that end, I have yet to really have any problems confusing his work. I wish someone could sit with me and listen with me, and tell me what I don't hear. Or maybe I could show them what they don't hear.
:: J 1:43 PM [+] ::
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This is beginning to get mildly insulting---

Today's Excite Fortune For The Day:
"Misery loves company. Wanna hang out"
:: J 9:37 AM [+] ::
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Morals, Scruples, and other Picture Postcards.....

Yesterday was a bit unsettling. I got into a moral discussion with my friend Cheryl, and I think it wound up bad. It was a discussion about fast food and the slaughter of animals and abuse of the workers that produce the food. She was shocked to discover that not only would I not change my eating habits (as that I eat a lot of fast food) but that I don't vote.

The fact that I have faith in humanity to take care of itself, and yet I do not have the desire to affect change myself, didn't really help my case either. To be honest, I don't have much of a case to help. As far as the suffering of the animals and the workers, I feel for them. I do. I'm not exactly sure how to put this into words. Problems like this are oozing with complexity. If the workers are treated so badly, they should find something else to do. Maybe they can't because they are too poorly off to take anything else. Maybe they don't realize they are being treated badly.

If it's a matter of hazardous working conditions, one could claim occupational hazards are a part of any job. Maybe these conditions are too hazardous for humans to be a part of.

History is all about harmful treatment of human beings. The ideas behind this cruelty, no matter how unpopular they are to abolish, are eventually done away with. Slavery comes to mind as an example. I know this is a totally different concept, and that if one wants to, they can make the case that I would be contributing to the slave trade, if that analogy held true. Does that make me feel uncomfortable? No, because I know that wouldn't be the case. I am uncomfortable enough ASKING people to do things for me, let alone expecting them.

Fast food did not start out the way it is today. It gradually became what it is. It can go back. It will take time. One book may not totally convince me that these conditions are as they say. Time will tell and will fix these things. Humanity will take care of itself.

On to that point. Long ago, I came to the conclusion that while I am human in the biological sense, I can not be in the emotional and personal sense. While people are unique by nature, they do have inherent things that bring them close together as individuals. Things that they share.

While I can occasionally share opinions with people, there is always something that we are radically and fundamentally opposed upon. I have yet to find someone enough like myself to make me feel that I am not truly alone in the world. I have my friends, who are good for me, and we agree on many things, but I can't help but live in constant fear (perhaps fear is too strong a word, but I am at a loss for now) that one day, someone is going to find out something about me and I'll never hear from them again. It's almost the fear of being found out or discovered. That people will one day figure out what a sham I am and that I really am THAT different.

It's an irrational fear, and that's all it is. It's unhealthy to remove yourself from humanity, but until I can get the proof that I need that there is someone else out there like me, I can't think of any other way to explain it. I mean, there's eccentricity, and there's ECCENTRICITY. I don't believe that I am from another planet necessarily, (although I haven't ruled it out,) but I don't fit in with society at large. This is why I can't vote. For me, it CAN'T be about voting for the lesser of two evils. You have to vote for someone that you believe in. If you vote for someone who you don't believe in, just because you don't think he's as bad as the other guy that you don't believe in, how is that helping? How is that going to make the world a better place. How is that standing by your convictions? Yes, if people don't vote that could eventually destroy the democratic process. But the democratic process is about the public voice. People who refuse to make choices deserve to have that choice taken from them. Those who want to make a difference should be allowed to. That's part of democracy. Popular votes.

This is really too much to try to put together right now. I may try to articulate it more later. It doesn't lessen the pain of my perceived letting Cheryl down. That falls under the "just when you thought someone couldn't think less of you" category. I don't know if I can ever recover from that. Just because I like fast food and because I can't vote for people I don't believe in.
:: J 11:27 AM [+] ::
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Are these things meant to scare me?

Today's Excite Fortune:
"A long, lost love will cross your path."

Do I even want to know what this could possibly mean?
:: J 11:44 AM [+] ::
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This seems to sum up my recent posts nicely--

My Excite Fortune for the day:
"Insecurity is your biggest hurdle."
:: J 10:07 AM [+] ::
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In a Spiderman comic I just read, Peter Parker quotes a book that HE read which states that: "The key to success is to get our of bed with a smile--that's half the battle won. The other half is to be an honest enough person that you can fall asleep again at the end of the day."

Tha fact of the matter is that I can do those things. I do them every day. I may have had problems sleeping in the past, but that had nothing to do with honesty. It had simply to do with stress.

My boss once gave us a mini-poster with the following on it:

Press On

Nothing in the world can take the place of PERSISTENCE.

TALENT WILL NOT: Nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.

GENIUS WILL NOT: Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.

EDUCATION ALONE WILL NOT: The world is full of educated derelicts.

PERSISTENCE AND DETERMINATION ALONE ARE OMNIPOTENT.

Bearing all of that in mind, how can one NOT be optimistic about the future. If all of that is true, I will one day be a truly successful person. Why am I harping on this, and why are all my posts of late taking on a rather morbid twist. I usually pride myself on at least being positive. Maybe it's because I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow, in someway, shooting myself in the foot. I don't know what it is....but whatever it is, it's weird and I can't seem to shake it.


:: J 10:30 AM [+] ::
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Why is it that every now and then you get the urge to compare yourself to the people around you?

Well, this question is actually not directed at anyone in particular other than myself. It's kind of weird. I seem to spend a lot of my time surrounded by my intellectual superiors. This is nice, because I like smart people. It has the unfortunate downside of occasionally making me feel inadequate. I don't want people to feel they have to dumb themself down to talk to me. That would be terribly inappropriate and would make me feel even more stupid.

Some of the people who I hang out with have very broad horizons compared to my rather sheltered and limited world. I've never had a problem with my world, my universe, or my likes and dislikes. And I wonder if that's the problem. I like who I am, and unfortunately feel no need to dive into the things that make one an interesting human being.

I am still a kid. A 24-year-old kid. As such, I read comic books, watch movies and television, and love my toys (and for all you sickos out there, I don't LOVE my toys.) I love playing with my computer and can spend long hours just pretending. I read an occasional book that would fall into one of the above categories. Past that, there's not much there. I'm not a tremendous fan of literature, so I fall short intellectually in that department. I can't stand the world at large, so current events are out of the question. While I have a vague idea of history, it never much appealed to me. I like music, but mostly film scores and a very specific set of other kinds. I also really don't like to dance, so socializing in those circles falls even shorter.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe, but it won't last. I am proud of the person that I am. Boring as I may be to others, I can at least be proud of my accomplishments and take great pleasure in the things that I love. At times, it can be a lonely existence. It's hard to share the things you love with those who don't appreciate them and like them in turn.

I suppose this also leads up to that occasional post that I make about finding a significant other. I once found someone who almost fit the entire bill for me. It was a wonderful relationship, and the only serious one I've ever had in my life. Unfortunately, it couldn't last. I was just too demanding. In addition to all the things that we had, I wanted her to have just one thing more......A sense of independence. I don't mean financial independence, or independence from her family. Just a sense of self. An ability to be in a relationship, and yet not have to spend all our time together. The ability to do things on her own without her feeling that I loved her any less.

Is it truly possible that there is someone out there for everyone? With a population of 6 billion human beings, and only about 85 years, what are the odds of finding that person? And by what standards? How many things must you truly compromise on in life to get what you really want? In an ideal world you would get everything without compromise. In this world, it seems everything is a compromise. You have to compromise to have a good relationship. You have to compromise your future, just so that you can get a reasonably good paying job, so that you don't get thrown out on the street. Once you get your job, you have to truly compromise your sense of self if you want to get ahead.

I have tried as hard as I can not to let myself get compromised. "To thine own self be true." Trite, but true nonetheless. I have to be me. And maybe that's the point of this whole rant. The affirmation that despite all else, and at the possible sacrifice of everything else, I will be me. For better or worse. I am what I am. Popeye said that. A wise man. And he ate his spinach to boot.

Affirming my personal beliefs, I love my friends. They are the most important things I have, second only to my family. Feeling the way I do about myself makes them even more important, because if they can like me for who I am, there is hope. Not like the old days when I was truly alone. How many people can say that at the age of 18 they had finally accepted the fact that they would never have a significant other. AND WERE OKAY WITH THAT FACT! I even had a que sera sera outlook on friends at the time. If I ever got any, fine. If not, oh well--That's life. I'd like to think that I am less fatalistic in my older age, but who am I to judge. Some would say I am downright depressing.

I find it interesting to note that just a few months ago, I had no blog. Without a blog, where would these thoughts have gone? They probably would have stayed in my consciousness, coalescing over time. Then what? Moot point, I suppose. The blog is here and so are my thoughts. Like an open book to the world. Just as I have always been.


:: J 9:18 AM [+] ::
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Image from UNOBTAIUNIUM LTD. website
:: J 10:15 AM [+] ::
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You know, I don't believe this. Already, it's Tuesday and already I am tired. I find that I am not recovering well from the previous week. In point of fact, I believe that I am just in dire need of a vacation. Unfortunately, I am not ready for it. I still feel like I haven't been here long enough and am still too far down on the Totem Pole to deserve a vacation.

Of course the fact that I am one month away from my one-year review doesn't help to make me feel better. I mean, it's now more important than ever to prove myself worthy of being here. The fact of the matter is that I have spent 11 months trying to prove myself and I have worked too hard to screw it up now.

Unfortunately, other elements may be conspiring against me. A few moths ago, I ordered something, and it finally came on Friday. That's the good news. The bad news is that it is broken and needs to be sent back. Due to it's size, I will probably have to take a day off in order to ensure that this is handled properly, and I will probably have to take another day off in order to make sure I get it back without any problems.

What is this mysterious object, you ask? It's a 33-inch clone of the original filming model of the U.S.S. Enterprise from Star Trek: The Original Series. I bought it from these guys at UNOBTAINIUM Ltd. It is sooo cool. It is perfect in every detail and has these cool flashing and rotating lights and is just the coolest thing I have ever had the pleasure of owning. Unfortunately, it was damaged in shipping. The good news, however, is that the people there are so nice and are willing to replace it and help me get this taken care of. Thank goodness there are still good people in the world.

Before anyone jumps to any conclusions and thinks me a chump for purchasing this thing, let me just come out and say that I had to do a lot of thinking before I commited myself to this thing. I mean, it may be a lot of money, but given the amount of hard work, detail and care that went into it, when would I ever get a chance to own anything like this again? I mean, it's so well done, that my mother (who really doesn't care for this sort of thing) wants me to put it in the living room! It's THAT beautiful. It is like a museum piece. And until I become filthy rich, I would never be able to afford anything even remotely like it again. So to those who would sneer, I give a giant RASPBERRY!


:: J 10:06 AM [+] ::
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Today's Excite Fortune: "You need a new environment - go on a vacation.

Heh heh heh. Can I forward this to my boss? If only it were that simple.


:: J 11:35 AM [+] ::
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I find it amazing how many millions of things make a person who they are. You can spend thousands of hours with someone and come to the realization that you are both alike.

At the same time, you can then spend even more time and realize that you don't have enough in common to make a serious connection. You may find that despite all of the common ground you have, it just may not be enough. Enough for what? I don't know. I just don't know.
:: J 12:21 PM [+] ::
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You know, I've come to a reaffirmed conclusion. I am not dating material. At least not now. Instead, I am probably a heartbreaker (in a very slight way.)

Let me explain before people believe that I am an egomaniac. I think I'm a little bit of a heartbreaker for that .00000000002% of the population that would want to go out with me. I suppose that I am emotionally unavailable for the most part--or is it physically unavailable. My problem of late, which I have been having with my friends, is that I have been so stressed out that I haven't really had time to get together with any of them.

This would be a million times harder on anyone who felt *that* way about me. It's a problem which I suppose I will one day have to deal with or else suffer being alone for the rest of my life. Right now, and this sounds trite, I just don't have the time or energy to fix that. As soon as I move out of my parent's house, get an apartment of my own, I might be in a good enough place to be able to change my ways.

I have always enjoyed my solitude. It's a time to recharge and re-energize. I mean, I don't put up a front for my friends, they get the real me. In my later years, I have found myself growing as a social person and I have grown a mild ability to deal with groups of people. It's a slow process for a former introvert. I'm trying.

For anyone out there that still calls themself or considers themselves my friend, I always extend (at least in my mind) heartfelt thanks for putting up with my terrible idiosyncracies and my occasional unavailability. While I am at home I also have close family ties that occasionally prevent me from doing things as well. My view is that in the future I will be presented with more than ample opportunities to snub my family and do things without them. I had best make the most of this time now. My immediate family is very close to me and I love them all.

I love having friends. I really do. They are cherished people to me. Unfortunately, now, I think I am a better friend than I am a date/boyfriend. *sigh* That's enough free association ranting for now. It may not be the complete thought, but it's a start. This blog is a tremendous help for me in that I can get these thoughts out. *sigh* again.
:: J 12:41 PM [+] ::
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You know, sometimes when you are telling someone how you are, you can really put it properly. I don't think I could say it this well again, so I present to you an excerpt:

"Last week was on the fair side of hellish for me. Work actually affected my physically for the first time in almost forever. I was having bad dreams, I wasn't sleeping well, I was having aches and pains, and I was feeling overly stressed. It was worse than I have ever encountered. I would go home and feel fine, but when I went to sleep, my subconcious would really do a number on me. It was very bad.

This past weekend served as a mild catharsis for me. Not only was I away from the work that stressed me, but I was completely shut in with NO responsibilities whatsoever. It was almost perfect for what I needed. The only thing that would have made it better would have been COMPLETE SOLITUDE which living at home doesn't afford. I have been out of touch with friends for waaay too long. Last week was pretty much a stand alone event and not indicative of work in general. Overall work has been OK, I guess. A few mental speedbumps here and there (which sounds MUCH worse than it really is) but I think I've worked through them. At least I hope I have. I'm not big on insecurities and for the past few weeks I've been up to my armpits in it."
:: J 12:20 PM [+] ::
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Excite Fortune For The Day: You ARE right most of the time.

I don't even know where to begin on that one.......
:: J 8:06 AM [+] ::
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